I have a long list of blog posts waiting to be written: some funny, some inquisitive, some nostalgic, some a mixture of a lot of things. I've been lazy about blogging lately, but I recently vowed to start writing again. With so many changes and transitions happening in my life right now, I knew that the writing would flow easily and I was confident that people would be happy to check my blog and not see the same outdated posts every time. But now, after the events of Friday, these blog posts about my little life that at one time seemed so necessary and significant are so irrelevant that it's funny to me now that people even blog in the first place.
I'm not sure why the Sandy Hook shooting has weighed so heavily on my heart, but there is no doubt that it has. I have no connection to the tragedy whatsoever, but I feel like it has happened to my own town, my own school, my own students. I find myself staring blankly at the TV, feeling too guilty and sad to change the channel. I feel as if the my sorrow my heart feels from watching the news constantly will somehow lessen the weight that the victims' friends and families are carrying right now. I listen to the same stories of heartbreak and heroism over and over and over, waiting for new facts or clues or anything that would lead to some sort of conclusion or answer as to how this could have happened. My mind knows that a tragedy of this magnitude and horror will never be comprehensible and that no sane person will never be able to understand how someone could commit such a disgusting crime. But my heart needs answers.
Although I'm able to distinguish between the different emotions that I'm feeling, they have all blended together into a heavy mass that I've been carrying on my shoulders since Friday. I'm brought to tears and feel an indescribable sadness by the thought of the terror and confusion that these perfect, little babies felt during the last moments of their precious lives. I'm so happy for the preserved innocence of the children that were coloring in the library, being read to, or volunteering to go fight the bad guy with their karate skills during the shooting. I'm so proud and inspired by the teachers and administrators that put themselves in front of danger without a second thought. And I'm so full of anger and hate towards the horrible man who could so selfishly tear apart the lives of families that have done nothing to him.
I don't know what the answer is to violence like this. I don't think that the right answer is to strip every person of their firearms and revoke the right to bear arms. I don't think that the right answer is to arm every man, woman, and child with a semi-automatic weapon either. I don't think that the answer is an entire revamping of our mental health system. And I don't think that there is anyone to blame except the shooter himself. I don't know what the answer is. I'm afraid though, that there is no answer and that there never will be.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not condoning lying down on the job and just saying "oh well." But maybe this is the world that we live in. Maybe the inconceivable horrors and tragedies of this world are what distinguishes where we live from where these 26 people are living right now. I hope so. All I know is, right now, that's the only place I can turn to: God and the life that we have waiting for us beyond. For me, believing that these children are God's newest angels is the only the thing that brings me any sort of peace.
I can't imagine the pain that the people of Newtown are experiencing right now. I just hope that they can find something, anything, to bring them peace in this horrible time. I pray that they don't sink away in the darkness and coldness of this winter season, but instead find warmth and light in the hope that Christmas brings. Right now, that's all we can do. That's all there is.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Opinions
I am one of the most opinionated people you will ever meet. Lately, I haven't been sure if I'm proud of that or if I'm ashamed of it, but I do know that it's part of who I am.
I have strong opinions about big, important, real things; and I have strong opinions about stupid, irrelevant, insignificant things. For example, I have strong opinions about capital punishment, President Obama, Mitt Romney, BYU, Sunny-D, ASU, hookah, religion, stuffed animals, racism, conspiracy theories, Scottsdale bars, the economy, cheese, Subway, immigration, etc. etc. The list is broad, jumbled, and goes on and on and on. And on the rare occasion that I come across a topic that I don't have a strong opinion about, I will formulate a strong opinion about it in my head in approximately 5 seconds and then proceed to fight with you about it as if I have focused my entire life on fighting for that cause. It's what I do. It's what I HAVE done.
However, with the election drawing nearer and the Facebook/media posts getting more and more heated...I've began to think about the difference between speaking your mind and yelling your mind. I think I've been a person that yells my mind, and I don't want to be that person. I'm starting to realize that people don't listen when you yell. They shut you off and walk away. I don't want to be the harsh woman who pushes buttons and boundaries on all types of people. I want to be the observant, quiet, thinker who stands strong in her beliefs. My opinions aren't going to change. They are a part of me and they always will be. But I think I'm just going to turn down the volume. I'm not going to yell. I'm going to be prepared to speak my mind when people ask me what I think. I'm going to let my thoughts swirl around in my own head instead of in controversial Facebook statuses and Instagram pictures.
I can't promise this is going to be a quick transistion for me, but it's going to be a real one. It's something I'm going to work on and try my best to be more aware of. If you want to know my opinions, ask. God knows I have more than enough to go around.
I have strong opinions about big, important, real things; and I have strong opinions about stupid, irrelevant, insignificant things. For example, I have strong opinions about capital punishment, President Obama, Mitt Romney, BYU, Sunny-D, ASU, hookah, religion, stuffed animals, racism, conspiracy theories, Scottsdale bars, the economy, cheese, Subway, immigration, etc. etc. The list is broad, jumbled, and goes on and on and on. And on the rare occasion that I come across a topic that I don't have a strong opinion about, I will formulate a strong opinion about it in my head in approximately 5 seconds and then proceed to fight with you about it as if I have focused my entire life on fighting for that cause. It's what I do. It's what I HAVE done.
However, with the election drawing nearer and the Facebook/media posts getting more and more heated...I've began to think about the difference between speaking your mind and yelling your mind. I think I've been a person that yells my mind, and I don't want to be that person. I'm starting to realize that people don't listen when you yell. They shut you off and walk away. I don't want to be the harsh woman who pushes buttons and boundaries on all types of people. I want to be the observant, quiet, thinker who stands strong in her beliefs. My opinions aren't going to change. They are a part of me and they always will be. But I think I'm just going to turn down the volume. I'm not going to yell. I'm going to be prepared to speak my mind when people ask me what I think. I'm going to let my thoughts swirl around in my own head instead of in controversial Facebook statuses and Instagram pictures.
I can't promise this is going to be a quick transistion for me, but it's going to be a real one. It's something I'm going to work on and try my best to be more aware of. If you want to know my opinions, ask. God knows I have more than enough to go around.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Instagrammies
1. Half-Christmas babes.
2. Sparky love.
3. Pelican friend.
4. Light-reading for a new teacher.
5. Breaking Taylor's room.
6. Wednesday brunch.
7. Last night at the MU.
8. Long-term substitute office needing some love.
9. MU keys for the last time.
Jobs, Thyroids, and Friends
My life has been so cluttered lately. It's been completely jumbled and completely out of my control, which I've discovered to be the most difficult thing for me to accept. Lack of control. I know that post-college life tends to be a little bit jumbled and disorganized...but I feel like mine has been especially so. Maybe that's because I'm having a pity-party for myself or maybe it's because it actually IS more disorganized than everyone else's. Either way...it's been really tough for me and I'm really happy to report that some of it has begun to straighten itself out.
1. I've had a total of 2 full-time, permanent job interviews. TWO. Is it because I'm not a great candidate? No. It's because there have been TWO openings for dance teachers in all of Phoenix and Southern California. I did not get the job at my first interview. I'm still waiting for an answer on the second interview.
2. I DID however, get offered a long-term substitute dance teacher position here in Arizona. YAY (sort of). It is only till end of August, so obviously it doesn't really solve any problems. It just means I can financially support myself till the end of August. Obviously if I don't get a full-time job I will continue to substitute teacher wherever/whenever possible in order to stay afloat. It's just not ideal.
3. I am living in my friend Taylor's apartment. My last lease ended at the end of April and I wasn't ready to move into my own apartment and sign a new lease until I knew where my job was going to me. Luckily, Taylor went home for the summer so I have been able to move all my stuff into her room and make it my home for 3 months. However, even though it's the cutest place, it's not mine. I want to decorate and set up my furniture and get situated and feel at HOME, not just temporarily at home. I've finally been able to start my search for a one bedroom apartment that I'm going to live in all by myself. Yipee! But I still can't make any decisions or official plans until I know if I got the job from my most recent interview or not. UGH.
4. I recently found out that my thyroid is basically not functioning. Normal thyroids should have a THS level of about 1-2. Low thyroids typically have a level of about 7-9. My thyroid....is at 120. ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY. The doctor said that people with thyroids at 150 sometimes can't walk...or even go from sitting to standing without help. When she tested my thyroid level she told me that she is shocked that I've even been living a normal life. She thinks that my age and activity level prevented me from seeing the symptoms. I've been gaining weight like crazy and could NOT get it off no matter how hard I tried (I literally have been at the gym everyday and dieting hardcore). I've been tired all the time. My hair has been dry and thin. And I have had serious anxiety attacks. All of these are because I have "one of the lowest functioning thyroids the doctor has seen." CRAZY. After they discovered my extremely low level...they did an ultrasound of my thyroid and found a nodule. Nodules can be anything from a bump that means nothing....to cancer. My nodule is at the size where a biopsy isn't completely necessary. So the doctor has decided to wait and check it again in six months to make sure it hasn't grown. If it grows...we will biopsy it for cancer. All in all, I'm really excited to start taking the thyroid medication and start feeling and looking the way I used to a few years ago. I had no idea that all of this was because of medical reasons...I thought I was just tired, sad, and gaining weight. But YAY! It's not my fault. I'm so excited to start feeling better. And I'll just wait to worry about the nodule when it comes up again in six months.
Anyway...through all this craziness, I'm just really happy that I have my friends and family. I don't know how people live away from the ones they love. Laughing and going out with my friends has gotten me through a lot of down days, and always having my family available to talk has been priceless to me. I know I'll get through this tough season of my life and that everything will work out, but I'm so thankful that everyone I love has been there for me to lean on.
"When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. When life is bitter, say thank you and grow." -Shauna Niequist
1. I've had a total of 2 full-time, permanent job interviews. TWO. Is it because I'm not a great candidate? No. It's because there have been TWO openings for dance teachers in all of Phoenix and Southern California. I did not get the job at my first interview. I'm still waiting for an answer on the second interview.
2. I DID however, get offered a long-term substitute dance teacher position here in Arizona. YAY (sort of). It is only till end of August, so obviously it doesn't really solve any problems. It just means I can financially support myself till the end of August. Obviously if I don't get a full-time job I will continue to substitute teacher wherever/whenever possible in order to stay afloat. It's just not ideal.
3. I am living in my friend Taylor's apartment. My last lease ended at the end of April and I wasn't ready to move into my own apartment and sign a new lease until I knew where my job was going to me. Luckily, Taylor went home for the summer so I have been able to move all my stuff into her room and make it my home for 3 months. However, even though it's the cutest place, it's not mine. I want to decorate and set up my furniture and get situated and feel at HOME, not just temporarily at home. I've finally been able to start my search for a one bedroom apartment that I'm going to live in all by myself. Yipee! But I still can't make any decisions or official plans until I know if I got the job from my most recent interview or not. UGH.
4. I recently found out that my thyroid is basically not functioning. Normal thyroids should have a THS level of about 1-2. Low thyroids typically have a level of about 7-9. My thyroid....is at 120. ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY. The doctor said that people with thyroids at 150 sometimes can't walk...or even go from sitting to standing without help. When she tested my thyroid level she told me that she is shocked that I've even been living a normal life. She thinks that my age and activity level prevented me from seeing the symptoms. I've been gaining weight like crazy and could NOT get it off no matter how hard I tried (I literally have been at the gym everyday and dieting hardcore). I've been tired all the time. My hair has been dry and thin. And I have had serious anxiety attacks. All of these are because I have "one of the lowest functioning thyroids the doctor has seen." CRAZY. After they discovered my extremely low level...they did an ultrasound of my thyroid and found a nodule. Nodules can be anything from a bump that means nothing....to cancer. My nodule is at the size where a biopsy isn't completely necessary. So the doctor has decided to wait and check it again in six months to make sure it hasn't grown. If it grows...we will biopsy it for cancer. All in all, I'm really excited to start taking the thyroid medication and start feeling and looking the way I used to a few years ago. I had no idea that all of this was because of medical reasons...I thought I was just tired, sad, and gaining weight. But YAY! It's not my fault. I'm so excited to start feeling better. And I'll just wait to worry about the nodule when it comes up again in six months.
Anyway...through all this craziness, I'm just really happy that I have my friends and family. I don't know how people live away from the ones they love. Laughing and going out with my friends has gotten me through a lot of down days, and always having my family available to talk has been priceless to me. I know I'll get through this tough season of my life and that everything will work out, but I'm so thankful that everyone I love has been there for me to lean on.
"When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. When life is bitter, say thank you and grow." -Shauna Niequist
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Heaven is sandy floors
There is nothing that makes me happier than sandy floors, clothes, couches, bodies, etc. Because when everything is sandy, it means there is a beach nearby. VERY nearby.
My family has a 5 or 6ish year tradition of renting a beach house for a week every summer. It's always my favorite week of the entire year. Friends come and go all week long, we complete a few puzzles during the non-beaching hours, the floors get really really sandy, we eat lots of yummy food, have a lot of laughs, and all-in-all we enjoy each others company for an entire week.
This year we rented a house ON THE SAND in Mission Beach. It was a fabulous time full of laughs, friends, drinks, walks, and most of all...sandy floors. :)
Here's a recap.
My family has a 5 or 6ish year tradition of renting a beach house for a week every summer. It's always my favorite week of the entire year. Friends come and go all week long, we complete a few puzzles during the non-beaching hours, the floors get really really sandy, we eat lots of yummy food, have a lot of laughs, and all-in-all we enjoy each others company for an entire week.
This year we rented a house ON THE SAND in Mission Beach. It was a fabulous time full of laughs, friends, drinks, walks, and most of all...sandy floors. :)
Here's a recap.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
WnW Phoenix
On my list of things to do this summer is revisit my childhood at Wet'n'Wild Phoenix. I really really really miss the pee-filled lazy river, Raging Rapids, Black Hole, lame White hole, etc. etc. I have SO many memories from Wet N Wild. Once a week during summer my parents would drop my sister and I off at the park with our season passes and meal coupons and let us run around like crazy people for 5 hours. In between Raging Rapids and carting huge intertubes up the staircase to the Black Hole we'd scarf down Dippin Dots (chocolate for her, banana split for me), large cokes, and burgers. I hope that whenever I find time to make it there this summer that I can find the same spark that I had as a kid. I can't wait. Maybe I can convince my parents to buy me season passes? Probably not. Maybe I'll FINALLY be brave enough to go on the Der Stucka slide? I highly doubt it.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Not So Terrible Teens
Whoever gave teenagers a bad rap had no idea what they were talking about. My students are the sweetest teens on Earth and I couldn't be more obsessed with them.
During their most recent test, a student raised her hand and asked me what they should do if they finished their test before the time was up. I didn't want to make them work any harder than they already had so I just said "draw me a picture and write your favorite thing about me on the back." They giggled for a few minutes and then kept working. Some students took me seriously and actually wrote something and some students didn't bother. But here are some notes I recieved from students who DID do it....
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Too sweet.
During their most recent test, a student raised her hand and asked me what they should do if they finished their test before the time was up. I didn't want to make them work any harder than they already had so I just said "draw me a picture and write your favorite thing about me on the back." They giggled for a few minutes and then kept working. Some students took me seriously and actually wrote something and some students didn't bother. But here are some notes I recieved from students who DID do it....
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Too sweet.
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