Sandy Hook

I have a long list of blog posts waiting to be written: some funny, some inquisitive, some nostalgic, some a mixture of a lot of things. I've been lazy about blogging lately, but I recently vowed to start writing again. With so many changes and transitions happening in my life right now, I knew that the writing would flow easily and I was confident that people would be happy to check my blog and not see the same outdated posts every time. But now, after the events of Friday, these blog posts about my little life that at one time seemed so necessary and significant are so irrelevant that it's funny to me now that people even blog in the first place.

I'm not sure why the Sandy Hook shooting has weighed so heavily on my heart, but there is no doubt that it has. I have no connection to the tragedy whatsoever, but I feel like it has happened to my own town, my own school, my own students. I find myself staring blankly at the TV, feeling too guilty and sad to change the channel. I feel as if the my sorrow my heart feels from watching the news constantly will somehow lessen the weight that the victims' friends and families are carrying right now. I listen to the same stories of heartbreak and heroism over and over and over, waiting for new facts or clues or anything that would lead to some sort of conclusion or answer as to how this could have happened. My mind knows that a tragedy of this magnitude and horror will never be comprehensible and that no sane person will never be able to understand how someone could commit such a disgusting crime. But my heart needs answers.

Although I'm able to distinguish between the different emotions that I'm feeling, they have all blended together into a heavy mass that I've been carrying on my shoulders since Friday. I'm brought to tears and feel an indescribable sadness by the thought of the terror and confusion that these perfect, little babies felt during the last moments of their precious lives. I'm so happy for the preserved innocence of the children that were coloring in the library, being read to, or volunteering to go fight the bad guy with their karate skills during the shooting. I'm so proud and inspired by the teachers and administrators that put themselves in front of danger without a second thought. And I'm so full of anger and hate towards the horrible man who could so selfishly tear apart the lives of families that have done nothing to him.

I don't know what the answer is to violence like this. I don't think that the right answer is to strip every person of their firearms and revoke the right to bear arms. I don't think that the right answer is to arm every man, woman, and child with a semi-automatic weapon either. I don't think that the answer is an entire revamping of our mental health system. And I don't think that there is anyone to blame except the shooter himself. I don't know what the answer is. I'm afraid though, that there is no answer and that there never will be.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not condoning lying down on the job and just saying "oh well." But maybe this is the world that we live in. Maybe the inconceivable horrors and tragedies of this world are what distinguishes where we live from where these 26 people are living right now. I hope so. All I know is, right now, that's the only place I can turn to: God and the life that we have waiting for us beyond. For me, believing that these children are God's newest angels is the only the thing that brings me any sort of peace.

I can't imagine the pain that the people of Newtown are experiencing right now. I just hope that they can find something, anything, to bring them peace in this horrible time. I pray that they don't sink away in the darkness and coldness of this winter season, but instead find warmth and light in the hope that Christmas brings. Right now, that's all we can do. That's all there is.